Joshua Weeding

"A severely autistic individual, diagnosed dyslexic (put simply, difficulty with letters and numbers) and dyspraxia (put simply, my body doesn't do what my brain told it to do); if you see something I've written and think it could be expressed better, please tell me - I am a lover of language and I am forever searching for the right word to express myself, and the best way I've found is to have other people explain it.

Gentile believer in Yeshua Ha'Nazrati being the Mashiach - I very much dislike the term Christian due to it's negative connotations it's acquired over the years, but it is the correct English term.

I aspire to be more like Him, I don't follow any particular brand of Christianity; as long as you believe Jesus is who He said He is I'm happy.

My default position when quoting Scripture on any doctrinal view is forget English and just look at the source texts; it isn't like you can actually do an accurate translation anyway because of the very nature of languages...

Shalom Aleichem. :)"

And I now think "You fool, giving away that much information when you don't, arguably can't, know who is looking." And, part of me wants to delete it. The part of me that controls my decisions -well, I say controls, that word is really an illusion, always has been when you live with the issues I do- knows otherwise, because well, part of why I have gotten so jaded since I wrote that is I had so much less knowledge of human nature. "Trying to understand other people" I wrote in the interests column - now, I have learnt a great deal about other people, and I have become... It hasn't helped. I had hoped that I'd find the good that I then naively believed was in people, and well, they have proved that wrong.

In the three years since, I have come to understand two relevant convictions. And, while I don't exactly like quoting Ghandi -his views on women are totally appalling- he did get this right: “One needs to be slow to form convictions, but once formed they must be defended against the heaviest odds.”

The first is that lying is an act of war. Blame Sun Tzu for that one, deception is the total of his warfare.

The second is if your belief is not esteemed high enough to die for, it is irrelevant.

Between these two is why I keep the original statement here; people are valued very little in today's society, and defective people most of all. The consideration is before me of withdrawing, hiding away, keeping people always distant while deceiving them into believing they are close; it is a strong temptation.

But, it would be wrong. I have nothing to hide; quite literally, my brain's defective nature meant that growing up I never got beyond the stage of thinking people know everything I know. Two years ago, I learnt that this foundational truth to how I have lived is false. The problem is, if I act on this knowledge, I become worse, not better - I become more manipulative, more distrusting, more inclined to deception. And I abhor that; lying, of any kind, is after all an act of war. There are people in this world who's principles and beliefs would if taken to the conclusion have me killed -I only suspected it in the past; fortunately humans do not stand by their principles and beliefs, in the main- and well, some men pick freedom and liberty as their hills to die on, I pick the truth.

These 3 years have been hard. If I am in any kind of good place spiritually -being in a state of darkness dims it massively- I have His eyes seared into my mind's eye, ever since I had a vision of Him seated on His throne. (Isaiah 6:5 does not begin to convey how Isaiah felt, because I know what he felt, and words can't begin to describe the sensation of suddenly being incredibly hyper-aware of your sin... I still feel the shadow it cast against His light. Not pleasant. But strangely healing...) I feel terribly burdened for the whole world having seen a glimpse of it through His eyes, but I have become so jaded by the failures of my past in trying to reach out that I am left despondent to the mission, a cruel despairing at knowing, with all I am, that life only is fulfilling when lived in Him, yet stuck in this maddening world that tries to convince me to seek money and stuff...

Perhaps one day, I will revise this again. I hope I do it under better times, when I have far more to tell than just a whole sweep of knowledge, with no ability to act. I hope I do it under times in which my vision for the world has come to pass...

My desire is shaped by history - I look back, and I remember the dark days of the War, when the king of England could call the nation to prayer, and the nation would answer by flocking to the churches, beseeching Him for the miracles that powerfully saw this nation spared the fate of Europe... That is my hope, to see this nation back on it's knees in prayer. (needless to say, hopefully not under WW3)

In my mind, I can see it happening - a revival in England, just like the grand old days when all over this nation He poured out His Spirit. I just wish it was more than in my mind...